Thursday, January 31, 2008

What stips me bare, and what makes me: me

Warning: Infant loss discussed

There's this thing about me that a few of you know, and probably, if I had a brain in my head, I would leave it this way. But Oprah is on right now, and it's a show about organ donation. A really great show. Necessary. And it's pushing the only large button that I have.

A mother loses her child.

I cannot bear it, because I know how it feels. My son died 5 years ago. He didn't get to donate his heart, or share his corneas; he never got to draw a breath to tell you the truth. And I learned a very large lesson; that being, when your child dies, you change forever. The pain doesn't actually go away, it just mellows somewhat. Other days it is as intense as if you are currently in the exact moment when you found out that your child is gone.

I have tried so many things, and I have had so much support. And what I have come up with is that this is my cross to bear, and that hopefully I will have empathy and understanding for any other person who walks in my shoes.

That lady on TV today doesn't know it, but as the tears roll down my cheeks, and i clutch the memory of my son to my chest; she is my sister. We are in this together. I wish I had her grace.

If you wear these shoes too, please know that you are not alone. I will take your hand (and you can find me at the email address noted at the bottom of 'about me')

The photo above is a small teddy that was given to my son by the staff at the Peter Lougheed Hospital in Calgary. The Teddy is wearing my son's hat. This hat (and a sweet little jacket) was donated to us by a knitter. I am willing to bet that that knitter has suffered this type of loss in one way or another, or she wouldn't know how important it was that my son had clothing that she made. It is not possible to buy clothing that small; it has to be specially and mindfully created.

On February 8th, at Make one Yarn Studio, I'm going to be that knitter for someone else.

Just in case you don't think that charity knitting is important, I'm here to tell you differently. It's critical. Please take part in a cause that is close to your heart.


Anonymous said...

Annie - I want to email you but I can't find your email address in your profile..
My addy is brattyATaaptDOTnetDOTau

Gyða said...


Anonymous said...

You are one of the most gracious, creative and inspiring women I know... and that was before I read your blog. I had no idea of your loss and I am truly sorry. I can't even imagine the hole in your heart. I'm honoured to be knitting with you on Feb 8. See you there.